I'm Squander Two. My real name is Joseph Kynaston Reeves. Kynaston Reeves is a hyphenless double-barrelled surname, like Bonham Carter, Lloyd George, and Bailey Rae. Seems simple enough, but no-one ever gets the hang of it. Just to add to the confusion, I'm called Jo for short — yes, that's Jo with no E. Wasn't my idea: something about me seems to bring out the with-no-E spelling in people, and I just decided to go along with it.

Anyway, I live on the East coast of Northern Ireland with a wife and daughter and dog and some computers, and I'm very tall. I used to be a small part of the Glasgow music scene by being a much bigger part of Squander Pilots — which is where I got my name — but gave it all up out of boredom. I still make the odd bit of music and some of it will see the light of day eventually. But mostly I spend time performing endless DIY tasks, watching DVDs, tapping away at this here laptop, and watching my really quite incredible daughter grow up.

I also design the occasional website, in exchange for money. I'm quite good and very cheap. See here.

I hope you like this blog, but won't exactly lose sleep if you don't.

Labels: Dramatis Personae

Vic is my wife. She is brilliant. She's pretty and intelligent and entertaining and very good company, and I'm lucky that she hangs out with an annoying gangly rant-prone muso web-monkey like me.

At the end of 2006, Vic was nearly killed by complications arising from the birth of our daughter Daisy. It was all a bit upsetting. She's a lot better now, thanks.

If you miss out the first bit of our surname — which most people do — Vic is, of course, Vic Reeves. This is not as annoying as when people therefore call me "Bob".

Labels: Dramatis Personae

Daisy is our daughter. She was born with a full head of hair by emergency C-section on the 27th of October 2006 at 3:15 in the morning, after thirty-seven hours of labour on Vic's part and rather a lot of blogging on mine. She's completely worth it. People say that she's the prettiest baby they've ever seen, and they're right, but I'd love her to bits if she had three noses.

Her first word was "dog". She loves blowing raspberries.

Labels: Dramatis Personae

Phoebe is a sandy-haired medium-sized short-legged dog of labradorian extraction and spanielesque appearance. She is remarkably intelligent and very sweet-natured, but she doesn't half bark. Daisy thinks she's just the best thing ever.

Labels: Dramatis Personae

Monty is the other dog, and appears to be composed of anti-Phoebe. He's like an experiment to see what happens if you cross a bear with an ox, paint it black, and remove most of its brain. Like Phoebe, he is very sweet-natured and loves everyone on Earth to bits, but he's destructive and far too strong — he can and will eat a tin of dog food without opening it, for crying out loud — and so we're having him rehomed at the excellent East Galway Animal Rescue. He'll make a superb pet for someone out there.

Labels: Dramatis Personae

Because I used to live there and don't have amnesia.

Seriously, though, Scotland is both the best and the worst place on Earth. I fucking hate Scotland. I love Scotland. Especially Glasgow. I really, really detest Glasgow, quite possibly the greatest city in the world, and, as for Glaswegians, they're wonderful, friendly people, a real pleasure to be around, the violent, malingering scum.

Labels: FAQ

Right now, Tim Dorsey. Honorary mentions to Michael Marshall Smith, Iain M Banks, and Terry Pratchett. This is the greatest book ever written.

Labels: FAQ

No-man. Their last couple of albums haven't been up to their usual standard, in my opinion, but Lovesighs: An Entertainment, Loveblows & Lovecries: A Confession, Wild Opera, and Lost Songs: Volume One, are some of the greatest albums ever recorded — and not many bands can claim to have created four perfect albums. Yes, the titles of the first two are farcically awful. When the music's that good, I can forgive bad titles.

Labels: FAQ

Funnily enough, I got into them assuming they were going to be chart-stormers. It never occurred to me that such a poppy band would manage to remain so unheard-of for so long. Poor bastards.

Labels: FAQ

I refuse to pander to your puerile need for spiteful gossip.

Labels: FAQ

That I can clearly remember the moment when one of my friends asked me this question in 1990 just goes to show how frequently asked it isn't, but I choose to answer it anyway.

Yes, he was my grandfather, and no, I never met him. My dad's his spitting image, and I'm my dad's, so I imagine I probably look a lot like him. Can't see it myself, mind, and neither can Vic.

My dad remembers Denholm Elliott popping round to the house when he was a kid. Oo, third-hand fame.

Labels: FAQ

I don't get this question. The world is full of useless crap. We are all surrounded by useless crap every day of our lives. The real question, as far as I'm concerned, is how comes you know so little useless crap? Are you blind?

Labels: FAQ